being free, part two

I am rarely in photographs. Sam snapped this one when I visited her while she was living in Victoria. At this time, we were probably revelling in new places and spaces and talking about 'what could be'.

When life gets stressful, my ultimate go-to is goal making. Goals for the future, goals for the present, goals for always. Goals, goals, goals. Maybe not attainable ones, maybe not even sane ones. Not only this, but there are ideas. Ideas about how I wish I could be living my life, or ideas of different or alternate lives I could be living. Some are possibilities, but some are so far out there.

This day dreaming of alternate reality serves different purposes. When life as we know it seems unbearable, the escape of thinking how things could be is a dream. This typically spirals into telling myself that I can do everything. Anything and everything. That the world is my oyster and I am free. Free to be who I want to be, and free to do what I please. Life is the ultimate high, and I am going to conquer it.

It’s not always like this though. When life isn’t out to be conquered, it’s there to be endured. It’s as if I’m in a constant flux of deciding which direction I want to take. Some moments are terrifyingly painful, and others are easy going. There is often no middle ground in my life.

I’ve talked a little bit about freedom before on this blog. In wanting to explore what freedom means for me. What my inner dialogue is when it comes to ‘being free’. For me, in this moment, being free is the freedom of choice. To choose to make plans and to make goals. To daydream about a life I may never have. To imagine that the world is my oyster, and I have all the opportunities I could possibly want. I understand that reality is not always like this, but for right now? I’m going with the flow.

- g